February 24, 2012

Dear All ~

Most importantly I want to say that all your messages – posted here, on FB, text, email, you name it – are SOOOOO welcome. I wish there was an easier way for say thank you to each individually. The visuals you are giving me of how you are are finding and choosing to exercise and express goodness and light for me right now are beautiful – thank you.

Owe you all an update. I am officially feeling outrageously tired, likely exacerbated by feeling outrageously depressed, an emotional state I usually don’t have much time or patience for in myself or others but, considering the circumstances, what can you do?  (And to answer that question, ‘what can you do?,’ no, there is nothing more any of you can do to cheer me up at the moment, and I didn’t mention I feel this way to bring on some onslaught of guilt on your part because you, yet further, are at a loss for how to help. It’s a sucky situation not just for me, but for all of us. Even so, if you are reading this, you know me and you know that this too shall pass and that the pissed off, plucky, righteous, bitch from hell that I am more than capable of morphing into will find something so compelling to latch onto that depression and fatigue have no choice but take a back seat.)

Completed day 5 of 12 of WBRT (whole brain radiation treatment) this AM. I love where I go, my doc, the techs – I am ‘exposed’ for literally 30 seconds, 15 from one direction, 15 from another. What I am hating is that, because I am not also going to work right now, it’s about 1.5 hour round trip. At least it’s a shorter series than 2010.

I am scheduled to have my port re-placed on Monday AM at Methodist. It only requires ‘twilight anesthesia’ – their goal is not to put you all the way out. This idea freaked me out last time but was actually pretty awesome. Here’s this surgeon, working with a single nurse, cutting into my subclavian vein to sew in this port, calm as butter. We talked through the whole thing. Granted, the nurse did tell me later that she pushed every narcotic that had been allotted and I surprised her because, never before when she’s done that has the patient stayed conscious. If you ever need regular infusions of any kind, I highly recommend the method. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Port_%28medical%29

I am mentally preparing to return to the office on Wednesday. I think that’s the 29th – what I like to call every 4 years, a “bonus” day. Clearly, everyone at work knows my return may be short-lived depending on how I am feeling. Personally, looking forward to the radiation-related fatigue to let go.

Have been perhaps over analyzing my mental capacities or lack thereof. Thankfully, the steroids I am on have successfully reduced the edema to such a degree that typing and largely writing are back within the normal range. I’m thinking the fact I turned the truck off before rolling up the windows is not SO out of the ordinary for me to count as lost brain cells – particularly since I did notice and not leave them down. I guess I’ll just go with the idea that I have so many reasons to have brain farts now (on top of all the ones I already had), that they will continue to happen and not to worry. But please, let me know if I have toilet paper stuck to my shoe!

If I get quiet here and again, please don’t worry. There is a massive book that has been rattling around my insides for more than half my life and, despite the fact the only time I really muse it over is while I’m driving (and really, really, really, should not be writing), it would be unforgivable for me to not get it out.

Finally, my most immediate circle is hard at work figuring out how to get me onto my half acre ASAP. I have been asked to forward via this site to you all what they are working on so you can get as involved or not as you choose. For all I know, what I’m supposed to forward is already in my email box and you will get another post today – for my part, I have decided to relinquish all control of this gift and let others lead the charge.

(P.S. If I were a gunslinger, Rascal and Mooch would be sleeping in the right and left holsters of my gun belt. Normally adverse to the idea of snuggling with me at the same time in the same bed, both have easily adapted to the idea of me being home right now and have been willing to exercise their right to my body heat. Wisely I think, they are staying away from the head though. Which, I keep forgetting to mention, still has hair. Messy, but hair.)







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