Boob 2.0

December 11, 2010

Merry Merry Happy Happy!

Hung some lights with the boys this week and made a wreath using a coat hanger and coke cans. Can’t find the plug for my grandmothers old three-foot psychedelic fiber optic tree but promised myself I’d search the internet and get one this year. Haven’t managed to get psyched enough to actually shop. Assuming I could be forgiven if I fall short this year? Yeah, probably.

As for my health and because so many ask, my standard response has become, “At this point, it is safe to assume that I am as cancer free as you.”

As you might imagine, this makes some folks QUITE paranoid.

Yes, funny story. The last time I saw my oncologist I asked if at the end of my infusions (still receiving a Herceptin infusion every three weeks until the end of March) they would do another CT scan or some other kind of test to “see.” He responded (this is the funny part) that they “didn’t want to expose me to any unnecessary radiation.”

I laughed out loud and said, “That’s really fucking funny!” I figured that after weeks of radiation treatment (that included an average of 5 to 10 additional chest x-rays every week) that a single CT scan would be negligible. He then went on to say that testing (beyond the regularly scheduled blood tests I’ll have for the rest of my life) have been proven to be more harmful than helpful – one fact among thousands that I actually managed to digest, understand and retain from last spring.

So, for those of you wondering if I’m “cured” – I am. (Guessing the term “remission” fell out favor as it implies a patient’s cancer has simply subsided but not gone away. Psychologically, this sets patients up to re-manifest the cancer as we all know that what ebbs, also flows. On the other hand, being “cured” – like “preserved” as in meat – means it’s over and done with.)

As for Boob 2.0, I saw my plastic surgeon, the dapper Dr. Hsu, and he is putting me on the books to reconstruct my Hannibal-Lector-has-his-way-with-a-muppet boob in early April. As he put it, “You will still have scars but your breasts will feel and look natural – and your cleavage will look a-MAZE-ing in a low-cut dress.” As Larry would say, “Right on!”

Of course I have to get through the icky part. I will be in the hospital for maybe 5 days (compared to the mastectomy [you would think I could spell that word already without having to look it up] when I was in for less than 24 hours) and then home for a week or two (details of the surgery can be found here – I think I’m having the “Free TRAM Flap” which sounds slightly less gruesome than the “Traditional TRAM Flap” ). The reason it is so much more icky is that I have to have a tummy tuck too (darn!) That muffin top I have been ordered to keep will enjoy a second life as my before-too-long widely appreciated breast.

After I completely heal (3 to 4 months), I’ll go back to have BoobClassic retrofitted to match Boob 2.0. Fortunately, that surgery is outpatient and recovery time is a day or two.

For those of you wondering and/or worried, I promise I WON’T suddenly become one of those women that insists on everyone looking at her bodacious new ta-ta’s after getting drunk and flirting with every male at the Christmas office party. Of course, I’m not planning on wearing turtlenecks either…

So, that gets you all up to speed.

I do want to take a second and thank “Banana” (hi!) and Ximena for their recent “tribute donations” – I find it incredibly sweet and I’m sure those folksy Caring Bridge people up in Minna-SODA really appreciate it. Other than the fact that I can’t stand their all-too-un-hip website theme selections, they are doing a good thing.

Wishing you all have plenty of ho-ho-ho in your holidays – cuz plain old “lidays” just aren’t the same.


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